I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Randomize
