he wants to bone in the snuggie
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Randomize
