this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
