My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
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