I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
