toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
Randomize
