God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Randomize
