Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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