What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
Randomize