wakey wakey hands off snakey
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Randomize
