I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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