I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Randomize
