i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Randomize
