Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
We left an ass print on the piano.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
I didn't notice because vodka
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
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