Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
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