Your dad touched me again.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
