I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
