I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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