Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
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