giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
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