I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Randomize
