Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
