The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
