hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
Randomize
