dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
did he really ask u insert a warm banna in ur anal?
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
