I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Randomize
