You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
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