good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
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