So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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