I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize