mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
