Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
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