also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Randomize
