I wish my penis had an off switch
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
