Four minutes until I can fart!
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
Randomize
