Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
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