your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
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