I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
