she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
Randomize
