and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Randomize
