my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
Floor bacon is actually really good
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
Randomize