i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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