would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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