I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Randomize
