I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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