If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
