Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
