My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
