Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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