Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
