Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
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