I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Randomize
