Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
