Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
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