Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
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