Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
40s are totally the cure
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
Randomize
